Let Me Robot You a Question - Chapter One

Page 1

It was a hot day at the robot lab. Awkward had been working hard since morning and his over-sized coveralls glistened with sweat and robo-juice as he methodically ratcheted away on an old bot. He wiped the sweat from his brow.

Fuck, this is a hot one, he muttered.

Robots had always been a passion of his. When he was a boy he built a friend out of a coffee can, a shopping cart, some gears, and a gratuitous amount of lipstick. He named her Sally-bot and it would not be a lie to say that, though he was disappointed, being voted prom King and Queen runner-up was a proud moment for him. Robots put him through college, a 10 year degree at Robigie Mellon which included a doctorate. His dissertation, Sex-thetics: Re-Imagining Organic and Synthetic Relations, had won the Mega Man Doctoral Distinction prize and eventually got him a job at his current Robotics Firm. But worldly success had never been enough for Awkward.

As he ratcheted the last nut into place he slumped down against the cold metallic machine and sighed.

Ten years of robocation for what? So I can make soulless robots that do laundry?

He shifted his legs on the tile floor and reached up to the counter for his glass of water. The water was cold and he drank slowly but with purpose and when he was finished he stood. His eyes shifted around the room in a methodical rhythm as his mind began to wander. When he set the glass down he he stared at the drawer beneath the counter. He moved his hand slowly over the drawer handle and paused, closing his eyes.

I know you're still in there. God dammit. Don't think I don't want to set you free...

With a trembling hand he pulled open the drawer and opened his eyes.

The world... it's just not ready for you yet. I need-

Mr. Awkward?

Awkward turned around. Standing in the doorway was the most beautiful transvestite he had ever seen.

It's Dr. Awkward, baby. Who are you?

Who I am is not important. I work for Mr. C, a very powerful business man. You need to come with me.

Wat? I'm not going anywhere Lady... err... man-lady.

The transvestite walked towards Awkward as if he were gliding on his 6 inch stilettos. His stubby fingers, covered by purple silk gloves, brushed gently over Awkward's cheek.

You'll come with me, Doctor. You'll come with me, and you'll bring it with you. You see, we know what's in that drawer. We want to help you. But first, you must help us.

Awkward tried to push the gloved hand from his face but the transvestite was surprisingly strong.

You don't know what you're talking about. And even if you did...

The transvestite pulled a pistol from his pocket. It had an extra long barrel and what appeared to be a soft trigger.

This is not a choice, Doctor. Rest assured you will be well compensated and, as a gesture of good will, we'll allow you to bring an assistant of your preference.

Okay, okay, I'll do it. Just go stick that barrel somewhere else.

Awkward looked down at his grease stained coveralls and began to think. He thought long and he thought hard until he was thinking long and hard. Faces of people he had worked with began to flash before him as he pondered over assistants. Ultimately he distilled the faces down to two: Numbers and Cataldo. Numbers was one of the best robotonists around. While her plant-based robots were legendary she was young, reckless. Her ambition put men's lives at risk. Could he trust her with something so serious? Cataldo, was almost the exact opposite. An aged vet in the robotics world known for his by-the-book approach. But his addiction to synth-whiskey had got him fired years ago and he now lived as a hobo. Even if Awkward could find Cataldo, there was no guarantee he'd be the same robo-gineer that won the first ever cylon cup.

I'll be back tomorrow to collect you, Dr. Awkward. You'll need to have decided on an assistant by then. Good-bye.

The transvestite kissed him on the mouth. While his stubble burned against Awkward's tender face, his lips were soft, gentle, like a warm summer's breeze.

You'll have your answer, goddammit.

And with that the transvestite left.

IF YOU THINK AWKWARD SHOULD CHOOSE NUMBERS, TURN TO PAGE 36.

IF YOU THINK AWKWARD SHOULD CHOOSE CATALDO, TURN TO PAGE 10.

RESULT: THE FORUMS VOTED FOR PAGE 10.

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