10 ways to tell if your man is a douchebag like me, Dr. Awkward

By Dr.Awkward

Hey, Lady-bros. Dr.Awkward here. I know, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Dr.Awkward?  Why is he here in this article and not in my dreams, riding horses shirtless while the sweat glistens off his rock hard abs?”  Well, baby, dreams are just a manifestation of your subconscious.  In reality I write articles all the time, such as my popular column: “TagPro Bro: The Douchebag’s Guide to Some Shitty Game that No One Else Plays.”  But today I have a special message, just for the ladies, and for once it’s not written on my penis. 

Is your man a douche?  I mean, is he really a douche?  There are a lot of hot dudes out there claiming to be douches, but not every douche is an actual douche, just like not every sexy prostitute is actually a lady.  Some douche’s are just dicks that aren’t bro enough to be a douche – like Trademark.  Some are just regular dudes who spent a day reading /r/theredpill and only recently shaved their neckbeard. You want the legit grade-A douchebag, right? But how can you tell?  Finding the right douche is a lot like finding a ripe avocado: you can’t just grab the first one you see, you gotta ask the older woman whose house you just woke up in if they’re good to eat.  Today that older woman is me, and that avocado is your douchebag man. 

Here are my 10 ways to tell if your man is a legit douchebag:

  1. He just bought a “Suns out, Guns out” tank-top and he constantly uses the phrase “suns out guns out” even when it’s dark outside.
  2. He follows any of the Guy Fieri rules to style: frosted tips, goatee, popped collar, sunglasses worn backwards, bbq sauce stain on his bowling shirt.
  3. He quotes lines from Archer even if he’s never seen Archer and isn’t even aware that his quotes are from Archer.  Mostly he says “just the tip” every time you’re at a restaurant. 
  4. He enjoys watching Chuck Lorre sitcoms.
  5. He gave himself a nickname and that nickname is a palindrome.
  6. He has conversations with fictional characters during movies.  When Vader tells Luke he is his father, your man might say “SHIT! You hearing this Luke?  Can’t be true, dog!  Dude, that’s like, impossible!”
  7. He has a tattoo on his penis that says “Five dollar footlongTM.”
  8. After he bangs you he says “#fuckinawesome”
  9. He talks shit, starts shit, takes shits because he knows that fibre is an important part of his diet.
  10. He provides vaginal hygiene on a warm summer’s eve.