Akira at the movies:
"The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies"

The final film in Peter Jacksons Hobbit trilogy, the Battle of Five Armies features lavish special effects, an all-star cast reunited from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but a disappointing lack of cock. The film was setup with a lot of promise, with the hyper effeminate and sensual elvish army featured prominently in the second film.  However, despite this delicious staging for an all-male elf shower scene, or some sort of cumshot shooting competition with the elves hyper accurate aim, we are simply treated to extended action sequences featuring an overuse of CGI and hardly any practical effects to supplement the tight codpieces affixed to the actors uniforms.  For all the screen time wasted on Evangeline Lilly's character, who no one even knows, we lose out on extended shots of Martin Freeman’s delicate lips, moistened and full from battling.

Also, as I am sure those who love the book will agree with me, the amount of detail rendering Smaugs scales and form is breathtaking, but where was the CGI animator’s effort on bringing his giant dragon dong to life?  Quite frankly it was criminal of Jackson to omit that kind of detail, especially after his efforts to capture each character so uniquely and fully in Lord of the Rings.

Smaug

The constant palpable sexual tension between the dwarves is often relegated to the background as we are forced to hear endless back story regarding the Dwarven kingdom, when obviously the audience would prefer to see Thorin and Balin give in their throbbing desires and embrace each other in an orgy of dirty bearded loving.  The exotic idea of twelve bearded midgets engaging in acts of hedonism so unspeakably hot it would rip the very pants of audience members off is of course, simply placed in the minds of the viewers, and instead we are treated to the series constant tracking shots of New Zealand.

Luke Evans is simply fantastic, with his swarthy down to earth swagger and unbelievably firm ass which captivates the viewer anytime it is featured on screen.  Take out the subplot about the return of a timeless evil and just give us extended scenes with Luke Evans, perhaps showering or showing us the workout routine he has to endure to produce the abdominal muscles he is touting, and the ticket sales would easily double.