Area man hosts annual hobo party,
neighbours say

(Kitchener) In a tradition that neighbours are referring to as extreme charity, each Christmas Kitchener resident Mr. Clark plays host to a slew of filthy hobos.

“The stench is awful,” says Joan Smith, one of Clark’s neighbours, “But it’s the stench of a good deed.  Those wretched, foul, hobos have nothing else in their lives.  It’s good to see someone from the community giving to the less fortunate.”

Clark's home pictured in the summer months

Neighbours report that on the day of the party the hobos generally show up in the late afternoon and do not leave until the early hours of the morning.

“They show up carrying these big computer cases.  I think that’s where they store their booze.”

Energy officials note that power consumption at the Clark residence spikes during the party.  They speculate that the increased use of energy is likely related to hygiene. Says one engineer, “If he’s trying to bathe or shave these disgusting creatures, that’s going to put a strain on the grid for sure.

Not all neighbours are appreciative of Mr. Clark’s charity.  Said one local resident, “The man has kids and here he goes allowing a greasy mob of street vermin to parade themselves around his house!  I hope he at least checks them for lice before they enter.”

"They show up carrying these big computer cases.  I think that’s where they store their booze."

- Anonymous neighbour

No one knows for sure why Mr. Clark hosts these annual hobo parties but there is plenty of speculation.  A local boy concluded that they were probably just playing video games such as “LoL” or maybe “Towerfall” but most residence dismissed that as folly.

“Video games?! Ha! No.  It’s most definitely either some sort of sex party, or a hobo battle-to-the-death.