“Between a Clark and a Hard Thing”

Scene 1

Clark: welcome to the special edition of Between a Clark and a Hard Thing, the directors commentary. Sitting beside me here is Akira, of course the co director of the first and third films….

Akira: Yes, I opted out of directing the second one and look what Clark does. He has a big black guy with AIDS cum in Fallen’s ass.

Clark: You just don’t see the symbolism of that scene, that’s all.

Akira: Ass.

At Clark’s house Clark is typing quietly at his computer, working on the USDN homepage. He is not wearing any pants. Slowly Wader walks up behind him, also not wearing any pants.

Wade: What’s up, Mr. Clark?

Clark turns around and sees Wade without pants.

Clark: Me in a second, hot stuff.

Wade rubs Clark’s shoulders.

Wade: It must be tough, being the head of such a big clan.

Clark: Sometimes, but it’s even tougher to get some head for my big cock *Clark pulls cock out of underwear*

Wader smiles, and goes down on Clark. Then Clark stands up and fucks Wade’s ass. When he’s done he cums on Wade’s ass.

Clark: I had to keep doing that scene cause Wade kept slipping on the cum. I mean, this was supposed to be the scene we were gonna show the producers and attract more money, and we couldn’t get it done without six or seven takes.

Clark: Who says chivalry is dead?

Scene 2

Proteus and Malachi are alone in Malachi’s dorm room. Malachi is playing CS on his computer. Proteus is on Malachi’s bed watching, rubbing himself. Malachi silences his colt and runs through de_survivor blasting away at terrorists.

Proteus: Mal, you shouldn’t silence the colt.

Mal: What the fuck do you care?

Proteus: It does less damage you asshole.

Clark: This was of course when Counterstrike was large on the Internet, and USDN was of course, a CS clan….

Akira: Yeah, I can see how years later this would seem less amusing. Far less amusing. God who wrote this shit?

Clark: You. Ass.

Mal turns around and sees Proteus rubbing his cock.

Mal: I guess it’s like the difference between your cock going off inside my mouth as opposed to all over it?

Proteus: Exactly, when I cum on your face I cum ten times harder! When you fire the colt un-silenced you do a ton more damage, ass!

Mal: you’re such a fuckhead, it’s not that big a difference, either the colt or your cock shooting off!

Prot: Fuck you man, my cock would shove you and your big fucking hair against the wall if I went off on your face!

Mal: Fucking prove it bitch!

Clark: I enjoy as a director having just hard sudden sex, we used it a lot throughout the trilogy…..just people suddenly fucking.

Akira: You know the Adult Film Review board couldn’t classify this movie when it first came out? They basically said “fuck it, just don’t show it … At all.

Proteus drops his pants and rubs his cock in front of Mal’s face. Mal starts sucking Prot’s cock.

Mal stops sucking for a second and says:

Mal: Your cock is about the size of the colt un-silenced, screen size that is!

Prot: Fuck you man, see if your ass can handle all its girth!

Prot starts fucking Mal in the ass, Mal’s big hair starts waving back and forth.

Mal: At least the colt would be finished unloading by now, whore.

Clark: At this point in Malachi’s career, I think he had basically only done work as a stunt double on Fast and Furious.

Akira: Yeah, and then he started doing these films. One more life we have destroyed Clark.

Clark: You’re the Italian.

Prot: Whore? I’m not the one getting fucked in the ass!

Prot pulls out and grabs Mal’s fro, and cums on his face.

Prot: See? That’s tons more than what I would’a shot in your mouth!

Mal: Yeah well lets see the difference when I cum in your mouth!

Mal shoves his cock in Proteus mouth and blows a giant load.

Proteus: See? Un-silenced is better.

Mal: Your ass isn’t black.

Clark: That is such an obscure reference to forum humour at this point, these films basically became dated like a month after being released. God you’re such an ass Akira.

Akira: At least I didn’t take the money I made off of the trilogy and invest it into Martha Stewart Living. She might be a big money maker… in twenty years or so. Ass.

Scene 3

Akira is taking Tick’s tables and chairs back to his house early in the morning. Akira checks his watch, it says 7 am. Akira knocks on Tick’s front door. An Asian chick with huge tits dressed as a nurse answers the door.

Akira: uhh, may I speak to Kris please?

Asian nurse: Just a second, I think he fucking someone…..come this way, come.

Akira follows Asian nurse into Tick’s kitchen and living room area. There is a giant orgy going down. People are fucking all over the counters and tables and chairs. Tick is at the center of the living room giving it to a blonde with big tits from behind. Akira walks up to him slowly.

Akira: uhhh, hey tick

Tick: Hey Matty, wassuuuuuup!

Akira: umm, I brought you your tables and chairs you left at my place from the last LAN.

The blonde tick is fucking has an orgrasm, then, tick pulls out. A brunette with big tits gets on her knees in front of tick and they start fucking.

Tick: That’s great man, thanks!

Tick starts drinking a coffee while still fucking the chick from behind.

Tick: This is pretty hot shit right here.

Tick looks down at the chicks ass that he is fucking and smacks it.

Akira: so, umm, tick, where’s the wife?

Tick: Oh, she went to get some lube from the store. She be back soon dude. You sticking around for breakfest?

Akira looks at stove and sees three girls eating each other out in a circle, while a fourth masturbates on top of them.

Akira: umm, no, I, uhhh, gotta get going. Stuff to do today. Errr, see ya later tick.

Tick: yeah man, see ya at wings tonight!

Akira: uhh, yeah, later man.

Akira walks by Ron Jeremy cumming on three young teen faces. Akira gets puzzled look on face and leaves.

Scene 4

Akira is walking into the local veterinary office. He walks up to the desk.

Akira: Hello, I’m here to pick up my girlfriend’s cat. The name of the family is Modderman.

Nurse: Oh sure, the cats right this way.

Akira follows the nurse behind the big double doors, following her past rows and rows of cats and dogs, and some other animals. They walk through another set of double doors, past pits full of dogs. Some are quiet and asleep, others running around and barking loudly. Akira looks at the nurse with a concerned look.

Nurse: Medical dogs, tested on by the university.

Akira looks over to a pit full of four dalmations. Akira slips on a slippery part of the floor, and falls in.

Nurse: oh my god! Those are the dogs whose sex drives have been amplified by drugs! They are as horny as Saigon AND Japanese whores put together! Hang on I will get the doctor!

Clark: The funny thing is she really was a nurse, and those really were druged dogs who were made to be as horny as Saigon AND Japanese whores put together.

Akira: SPECIFICALLY that horny. The nurse didn’t know this was part of a movie, or that she was being filmed.

Clark: That bitch.

Akira gets to his feet and stares back at 4 horny looking dogs with big hard dog cocks.

Akira: oh shit, not again!

The four dogs mount Akira and start humping him. One dog puts his cock in Akira’s ass, one in his mouth, and the other two start jerking themselves using Akira’s hands.

By the time the nurse gets back with the doctor, Akira is covered in dog semen.

Akira: This is going to be the running gag of 2002 isn’t it?

Scene 5

Wrath is sitting in front of his computer, jerking off. Phyr-imaUMPalot, rudebwoy, Mjuliply, txpro, Che Guevara walk into Wrath’s room.

Txpro: uhh, Wrath? Are you the one in charge of letting people into the clan?

Wrath: fuck no, I’m just the jizz machi… uhhhhh… yes… yes I am. Why do you ask?

Txpro: We were all wondering how we could get into the clan?

Wrath: It all depends on how I get into YOU…

Txpro: What??

Wrath: If you want some serious playtime with USDN, you’re gonna have to give me some serious sucktime.

Txpro slowly swallows wraths cock. Che, phyr and rudebwoy join in and start licking wraths shaft and balls.

Mjuliply: What can I do?

Wrath: Fuck off, we’ve reached my members cap.

Mjulipy walks off sad while the other four continue to suck wrath off.

Scene 6

Akira and Clark have been worried about KF for the past few days, so they proceed to go and check out the server itself.

Clark: I don’t understand it, the server has really been having problems loading lately.

Akira (brushing off some dog semen from his shoulder): I’m sure it’s just a simple problem. Maybe it’s being overheated by something, I dunno.

Clark: yeah, I’m sure it is too. By the way, do you know where ESP has been lately? His playtime has dropped below 3 days. He really seems to have something else to do with his time.

Akira: I dunno.

Clark and Akira walk into the server room and stop. ESP is standing in front of the KF server machine, with his pants down and is fucking it.

Clark: I don’t think that drive bay was meant for that…

ESP: Please don’t make me pull out.

Clark gives angry look at ESP.

Clark: We will ban you from KF.

ESP cums on the server and then pulls his pants up and walks out.

Scene 7

Xocet walks into the main physics lab in Halifax. He walks up to a professor.

Xocet: So I’m ready to begin working on my PHD.

Professor: okay, first lets…

Two college girls run in the door and start rubbing and pawing at XO’s pants.

Professor: ummm…

One of the college girls gets XO’s cock out, and it flops to the floor.

XO: Sorry, this happens every so often.

Professor: ummm…

The two girls stop rubbing and sucking at it. A female student in a nursing outfit runs in the door

Female Student: my pussy is so wet! What the hell is wrong with me!

The female student runs over to XO and starts riding his girth, she is screaming whenever it goes into her

XO: I’m not sure why this happens.

The other two students are sucking on his massive balls

Professor: well, I don’t wanna hazard a guess or anything, but I think the size of your girth is actually working on some sort of perverted gravity law that is attracting anything in a certain range around it. You really do have a big cock there.

Another group of female students and one or two flaming British fags run into the room and start playing with the girth as well.

British Fag: Rippin’ Good time!

Fag strokes his curled British moustache.

Second British Fag: I do say, he has quite the John Henry! A good ol’ French tickler this one’s got!

XO: This part isn’t so bad, but I would like to do some work on lowering my cumshot force.

Professor: why’s that?

XO: well, watch…

Three of the female students are still sucking on the girths tip. XO makes an angry face, and his cock explodes. The three students are flung against the wall and killed instantly. The professor and most of the other students are soaked in cum. The computers at the other end of the room short circuit and explode.

XO: See? Sometimes I wish I had a more mediocre sized cock. Like Akira. Except with him replace the word mediocre with small, inadequate and hard to find.

Scene 8

Akira is back at Tick’s house. He checks his watch. Its 9:00 PM. Akira knocks on the door. Three Swedish stewardesses answer the door.

Akira: umm, can I speak to Kris please?

First Swedish Stewardess: Yah, he is unt over there, yah! Come on in and enjoy party, yah!

Akira walks in. He walks past Ron Jeremy who is past out on his stomach, with a big dildo sticking out of his ass. Akira walks back into living room where tick is being ridden by a Russian chick with big breasts.

Akira: uhh, hey tick

Tick: Matty! You’re right on time for our cum guzzling queen contest! Who do you think will win tonight?

Akira: uhh, Tick, aren’t we supposed to go to wings tonight?

Tick: fuck that’s right – hang on man, I wanna cum on this chick’s face and then we can go.

Akira: umm, alright, I will go wait in the car…I guess……

Akira walks out door with puzzled look on his face.

Scene 9

Akira and Tick arrive at Crabby Joe’s the same time as Clark and Wader. They are soon joined by Platoon, Scave, Wrath, Lazer, Malachi and Proteus. They go in and sit at their usual table. Pete walks up and says hi.

Pete: What’s up tonight boys?

Lazer: Hey pete, the usual.

Everyone orders wings. Crabby Joe’s is now starting to close.

Pete: so its getting late, anyone want anything else?

Lazer: Yes, 10 bowls of whip cream please.

Pete: oh no, I hope things don’t get interesting.

Clark’s cell phone begins to ring. Clark answers it

Clark: hello?

Metronome: Clark! Me and judge and con have been masturbating the whole night while playing CS! Just like you told us to! I think we can finally do well when you call that play on nuke!

Clark: can u do it like Justin, without breaking a stride?

Metronome: Well, no…

Clark: Let me know when you grow a pair, son.

Clark hangs up. Pete brings out the whip cream and places a bowl in front of everyone.

Lazer: So Pete, where did you get all this whip cream at midnight?

Pete: Well, some of the cooks contributed, but most of it is mine.

Pete smiles.

Lazer smiles, and takes a big spoonful of whipped cream.

Akira looks puzzled and worried at the same time.

Platoon: Your cooks did this? I don’t think mine is warm enough, I want more!

Pete: Well, right this way sir!

Pete and Platoon head into the kitchen.

Proteus and Mal start rubbing each other with whip cream. Clark puts some on the tip of his cock.

Clark: Hey wade, remember him?

Wader: How can I forget, I can hardly sit down because of him.

Wade smiles and starts going down on Clark.

Wrath continues jerking off (he was all along).

Scave looks at akira. Akira looks at Scave, then looks at the whip cream, then bolts out the door. Scave looks sad.

In the kitchen, all of the cooks are working without pants on, just shirts. Pete and Platoon are walking in between them, sometimes rubbing up against them. Pete goes to the biggest cook,

Pete: This mans whip cream wasn’t warm enough. He needs more of it, and he needs it hot!

Platoon smiles.

All the cooks turn around with hard ons, and start jerking off in front of platoon. Platoon gets on his knees and opens his mouth. Pete smiles and walks back into the dining room.

In the dining room Lazer is sitting there watching as Mal and Proteus start sticking anal beads into each other. Pete walks up and sits down beside Lazer.

Pete: is there anything else, or should I bring you your bill?

Lazer: I’m not sure I have enough cash, do you accept anything else?

Pete: I suppose from you I can take a small deposit.

Pete smiles, and then bends over and pulls his pants off.

Lazer stands up and starts fucking Pete from behind. Lazer finishes off inside pete.

Pete: That will have to do for now.

Tick drinks his coffee.

End Credits

DISCLAIMER: THE PREVIOUS SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN READ BY ANYONE, OR MORE IMPORTANTLY WRITTEN BY ANYONE.