“Between a Clark and the Hardest Thing”

Prologue

Screen fades to black, and blue letters appear in bold:

IN A CLAN NOT TOO FAR AWAY, IN A TIME KINDA CLOSE TO NOW……

Orchestra music starts up and yellow text begins scrolling up across the screen in the shape of a pyramid.

EPISODE III: BETWEEN A CLARK AND THE HARDEST THING

IT IS A TIME OF GREAT CONFLICT IN USDN. THE SEPERATION OF SOME MEMBERS BETWEEN DOD AND CS HAS LEAD TO INNUMERABLE CONFLICTS ON THE FORUMS AND SERVERS. MORE IMPORTANTLY, WINGS NIGHT HAS GROWN FROM A SMALL GATHERING TO A MASSIVE CELEBRATION EACH WEEK, WITH MORE AND MORE OUTLYING CLANS AND GROUPS JOINING IN.

MEANWHILE, IN SECRET, THE CLAN WBC HAS JOURNEYED FAR TO REACH THE HOME BASE OF USDN, KITCHENER-WATERLOO, WITH A PLOT TO OVERTHROW MR.CLARK AND GRAB POWER OVER USDN’S POPULAR INTERNET SERVERS…

Scene 1

Massive Headwound Harry is driving a school bus along the 401. Confused Combat Carl is standing next to him, and in the seats behind them are Vision, Urban, Spetz Natz, Pist Off Communist and Fusion.

Harry: Allright, Everyone remember the plan. Myself, Vision and Fusion will go after Akira. Carl, Urban, Spetz Natz and Pist off communist will go after Clark. Once we remove the leaders, USDN will be off balance and confused. Then we can take the servers with relative ease. Once we rename the servers to WBC Party House and WBC Bath House, USDN will disband and we will rule supreme!

Carl: Do we really need to rename the second server bath house? I mean it sounds kinda gay… something that USDN would probably do…

Spetz Natz: I can’t wait to kick some serious ass! I am gonna fuck those guys up!

Spetz starts stroking the M16 in his lap. His face is painted with camouflage colors, and he has a row of grenades strapped to his chest.

Urban: I get to kick ass too, right guys? Huh?

Pist off Communist: Urban, you’re not even old enough to shave, how are you gonna kick ass?

Urban: I can too shave!

Carl: Yeah, that single pube you have!

All of WBC starts laughing at Urban. Urban is dressed in an army uniform that is too big for him, so the sleeves reach over his hands, and his pants are too baggy. Vision is sitting beside him. Both of them are covered in acne.

The bus stops at East Side Mario’s in Kitchener. Harry, Vision and Fusion get out and charge into the East Sides.

Carl: God we need a better leader.

---At East Side Marios---

Inside East Sides it is full of customers. Akira is walking towards the back.

Akira: Hmmm, back at East Sides. This certainly sucks.

Akira walks onto the line and starts cooking food. Wrath is beside him, jerking off into a bowl of soup.

Wrath: Damn amateurs in BoT, think they can go as long and as hard as I can…

Akira: Umm, do you think you should be doing that to the bowl of soup?

Wrath: Shut up, it’s called seasoning bitch.

Wrath finishes jerking off into the bowl, and zips up.

Wrath: I’m out.

Harry charges through the front door, brandishing a lightsaber. Vision and Fusion are behind with big, over sized machine guns.

Harry: AKIRA!!

Akira looks up from the food he is cooking and his eyes narrow. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a lightsaber. Akira then flips over a number of tables and customers and right in front of Harry. Akira activates his lightsaber.

Harry’s lightsaber: Eww, look who’s all up and ready to go…

Harry looks at his lightsaber for a moment, then back to Akira.

Akira’s lightsaber: That’s right baby, I’m all hard.

Akira looks at his lightsaber, then back to Harry with a confused look on his face. Harry and Akira swing at the same time towards each and their lightsabers smash into each other.

Harry’s lightsaber: Ah yeah! Like that! Hard like that!

Akira’s lightsaber: You like it like that huh? Nice and hard?

Akira and Harry are now both confused looking, but continue swinging at each other.

Harry’s lightsaber: Oh god that feels good!

Akira leaps over a customer as Harry swings. His lightsaber takes the customers head clean off, and it lands in a bowl of pasta. Vision and Fusion are stuck at the door, trying to lift their guns, but are still having trouble because they are too big. Wrath is standing in front of a table of old women, jerking off into each of their coffees. Harry charges after Akira and starts swinging wildly at him.

Harry’s lightsaber: Oh yeah, fast, faster! I want it so fast!

Akira’s lightsaber: Take it all bitch!

Harry’s lightsaber: Oh my god, I’m gonna… I’m gonna…

Harry’s lightsaber glows bright for a moment then explodes in a shower of sparks, and falls limp to the side. Harry looks up at Akira with a worried look on his face, and runs out, dragging Vision and Fusion with him.

Akira: Well… that was fucking odd to say the least.

---At Clark’s House---

Carl, Urban, Spetz and Pist arrive at Clark’s house in the bus.

Carl: Spetz and Pist, rush the rear, try to take Clark by surprise…

Spetz: Like Clark never gets rushed in the rear!

Carl, Spetz and Pist laugh. Urban looks confused. Carl and Urban rush out of the bus and run towards Clark’s front door. Spetz and Pist rush around back, Spetz is screaming the entire time he is running towards the back. Inside we see Clark sitting naked at his computer with a white Persian cat on his lap. Clark is stroking the cat, and watching video feeds from outside his house.

Clark: We knew this day would come. Didn’t we, Mr. Bojangles?

The cat looks up at Clark with a worried look. Clark hits a red button on his desk.

Clark: Let’s see how they deal with… MetroGNOMES…

Spetz and Pist are running along when the ground beneath them opens up, and tons of little midget versions of Metronome start pouring out.

Metrognome #3: The battle of 1812 was fought sometime between 1921 and 1918!

Metrognome #43: World War II was the first world war Sweden participated in!

Spetz starts shooting wildly, cutting down Metrognomes left and right.

Spetz: You want some motherfucker? Come get it! Come get it motherfucker! Die motherfucker!

The Metrognomes start pulling Spetz down into the ground. Pist is being overrun as well. Pist tries to keep shooting his gun, but he runs out of ammo. The Metrognomes cover Pist completely and he goes down screaming.

Metrognome #32: Karl Marx was the first Russian on the moon!

Spetz: Mother fuckers!

Spetz pulls off one of the grenades around his waist and pulls out the pin, shoving it into the mouth of the closest Metrognome. Its head explodes, covering Spetz and other Metrognomes close by in blood. Spetz is hurt now, and is limping along trying to get to Clark’s house. The Metrognomes continue to pour out of the hole in the ground after him. Spetz pulls the pins out of all of the grenades on his waist and shirt.

Spetz: Come get some!

Spetz is covered by Metrognome’s before exploding, creating a huge crater in Clark’s backyard.

Carl and Urban sneak into Clark’s house through the front door. They are slowly going downstairs until they reach Clark’s office.

Clark Over Intercom: Welcome, Carl. I have been told you like pussy. You do like pussy, don’t you Carl?

Carl: Yeah, what’s it to you Sir Chode of Faggot Shire?

Clark Over Intercom: I just wanted to give you some… pussy.

Slots in the walls open up and cats start pouring out. They are quickly filling up the room, and Carl and Urban are unable to move.

Urban: Oh my god! I never even kissed a girl!

Carl: Neither has most of USDN!

The cat’s quickly fill the room up and Carl’s hand disappears into a sea of fur.

Clark Over Intercom: I guess you could say he wasn’t a cat lover.

Clark laughs maniacally over the intercom.

Scene 2

Xocet is walking into a medical building in Japan. His face looks very angry. He is greeted by the secretary.

Secretary: Ooh, we hah been expecting yoo, yoo sit down now and we see you shortree.

Xocet: That makes me so mad. You guys better have something to make me less angry.

The doctor walks in. He is a very short Japanese man with big glasses and a short moustache.

Doctor: Ooh, we see yoo now

Xocet: Bout fucking time.

Xocet walks into a small room with a medical bed. He sits on top of the bed and looks angry. The doctor walks over to a jar and takes out a big red pill.

Doctor: This help yoo now, yoo be good with this……

Xocet takes the pill and swallows it. He looks angry for a minute, then looks at the doctor.

Xocet: I don’t feel angry anymore.

Xocet still looks angry. The doctor smiles and turns around.

Xocet: Uhh, Doc, I think something is wrong. My pants are feeling so fucking tight right now, more so than usual. What the fuck is wrong with this pill?

The doctor turns around and sees Xocet’s girth throbbing in his pants, finally tearing through and shredding Xocet’s pants to nothing.

Doctor: Ho! Japanese medical science not have experience with giant penises! Japanese men penises so small! So very small! Own penis is frightened by yoo big bulbous Canadian penis!

Xocet is trying to jam his girth back into his pants. It keeps growing bigger and thicker, and finally it grows so large that it knocks Xocet over and starts filling up the doctors room.

Doctor: Hoo! Big penis escaping! Japanese science not gonna be able to stop gigantic enormous penis! Ooooh!

The girth has grown so big it has pushed the doctor against the wall. He is struggling to get out, but it continues to grow. Blood starts running out his nose, and we hear a loud crack as the girth crushes all the bones in his body. The wall begins to groan, and the girth pushes its way out onto the street below. It starts pulsing and pushing its way down the street. Frightened Japanese people start running away from it. Cars start crashing into the girth as it fills the street more and more.

Japanese Onlooker: Yeu Yie suk so yen! [Look out! Giant penis!]

The growth has grown so wide it is rubbing against the buildings on either side of the street. The girth starts to wrap itself around a tall office building, sliding around like a boa constrictor. It wraps half way around the building, then starts to squeeze. The building snaps into large pieces and crashes to the ground below. Onlookers are covered in dust and debris.

Japanese Tourist: Mi Si Kotu! [Me take picture of mammoth penis! Go to Guiness!]

There is a group of Japanese tourists taking pictures of the girth as it rages in downtown Tokyo. The girth continues throbbing down the street. Military helicopters start flying overhead, making strafing runs along the shaft of the girth. A row of tanks and jeeps and rocket launchers roll into view at the end of the street.

Japanese Military Commander: Ooh, we stopa the big penis now! [Our penises are very small.]

Japanese Lieutenant: Ready to fire! [My penis is shameful in size.]

The tanks and jeeps and soldiers start firing at the girth. It rises above them and points the tip of its head down at them.

Japanese Military Commander: Rook out! [I cannot find my own penis.]

The girth’s tip throbs and blows a gigantic wad of cum all over the tanks and soldiers. They freeze in their tracks, frozen solid in jism. The helicopters overhead start firing rockets at the girth. It flings itself upward and smashes into them, destroying them. The girth continues moving forward, growing bigger. It begins to move towards a large bridge.

Japanese Onlooker #32: Meni Mari Yuti! [Insert Translation Here]

The girth reaches the edge of the bridge and rises high up in the air, then slams down into the ground. It begins tunneling through the ground, and emerges on the other side of the bridge, sending chunks of debris flying into nearby buildings. Nearby in the water, the sea begins to bubble. There is a lot of commotion in the water. Godzilla rises out of the water, and makes his way towards the girth.

Godzilla: RRRAAARWRRRR!

The girth turns around and begins to wiggle towards Godzilla. Godzilla breathes atomic fire onto the girth. It is unfazed, and rises up and slams into Godzilla. Godzilla wraps his arms around the Girth in a bear hug. The girth starts rubbing up and down against Godzilla.

Girth: SPUUUUUUTTTER!

The girth cums all over Godzilla, and sends a massive wave of cum across the bay onto the bridge. The bridge is destroyed, and onlookers close by are covered in cum. Godzilla topples over, covered in cum, falling back into the bay. The girth flops down slightly limp onto the ground. The camera zooms out to reveal the girths path of destruction, with buildings toppled over and lit on fire, entire sections of the city covered in Jism.

Xocet: That makes me so mad.

Scene 3

Sandy is sitting at home in her and Phro’s apartment. Phro walks by dressed in full 70’s pimp getup.

Phro: I’m going to work, Sand –

Sandy looks up and glares at him.

Phro: err, master. Master. Yar.

Phro walks out the door. Sandy goes back to sitting and watching television. There is a knock at the door. Sandy walks over and opens it. Three large black men are standing there in tight white T shirts and blue overalls.

Big Black Guy #1: We are here to move your monitor for you.

Sandy: Oh yes, it’s over here.

The three big black guys walk in and pick up Phro’s monitor and move it a few feet over to another desk. When they are done they are all sweaty and out of breath. Sandy notices that the first black guy has a huge erection in his pants.

Sandy: So… 21 inches… that’s pretty big eh?

Sandy runs her finger along the top of the monitor.

Big Black Guy #1: That’s not bad… but I think I got something bigger than 21 inches right here…

He drops his pants to reveal a massive black cock. The other two drop their pants too, and they all have huge erections. Sandy drops to her knees and starts sucking off the first big black guy.

Big Black Guy #1: Damn bitch, you all crazy for wang and shit!

Sandy: Mmmm, I’m cuckoo for coco cock!

The other two big black guys position themselves and start double penetrating sandy.

Big Black Guy #2: Fuck y’all, this is some hot shit right here!

Sandy: You guys are just how I like my coffee, big, black and hot!

Big Black Guy #1: I got your sugar and cream right here cracker!

The first big black guy blows a massive load all over Sandy’s face and hair. There is so much cum it drips out of her nose after he’s finished.

The other two pull out of Sandy and start fucking each other. The second big black guy comes in the thirds ass, and pulls out.

Sandy: Oh yeah, I love white chocolate.

Sandy puts her tongue all the way in the guys ass, moving it around inside.

Big Black Guy #1: I’m spent.

Big Black Guy #2: Same here.

Big Black Guy #3: Yo, her tongue is still working on my ass and shit man!

Sandy: I’m just getting started, bitch.

Sandy gets up slams the third big black guy down onto the couch. The other two start to look kinda worried.

Sandy: Who wants to play Sir Fist a lot in a game I’m gonna call Making the Black man scream my name? huh?

Scene 3

Tick is in the Scottish highlands. He is fucking a chick bent over a fence. She is wearing a plaid kilt. There is another woman there, a red head with massive breasts and a tape recorder.

Reporter: So, what inspired you to write this book, “Around the world in 80 lays”?

Tick: Well, my recent trip to the Mammazon showed me that I should be sharing pictures of my giant cock having sex with all kinds of women around the world. It was also a bit of a personal search… hang on a second…

Tick smacks the chick’s ass and continues pumping her from behind.

Tick: That’s some hot shit right there. Anyway, when I was in the Mammazon surrounded by women with massive breasts, I got to thinking I never really knew who my father was, who was the man was that gave me such undeniable sexual attraction to virtually any woman, and of a course a big cock to boot!

Reporter: I see…

Mysterious Voice: My God man, shove some fingers into the girls asshole before your cock goes raw from fucking, you can’t just pump forever boy! You got to make them cum at some point!

Tick continues pumping the girl over the fence, but turns his head around to see who is speaking. He looks behind the reporter to see Sean Connery. Connery walks up behind the reporter and starts rubbing her breasts from behind.

Tick: Wow! Sean Connery! You were awesome in “The Rock”!

Connery: Thanks boy. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you were growing up and had to deal with such things as having women wanting you all the time, or having a massive schlong.

Tick: Wait, you’re saying you’re my father??

Connery turns to the reporter.

Connery: Take off your panties.

The reporter takes off her panties, and Connery starts fucking her from behind.

Connery: That’s all going to change, son. You and me, together again.

Tick: Right on… dad.

Connery: Oh son…

Tick and Sean Connery hug while they are both still fucking the chick and reporter.

Scene 4

Phro walks into KW Surplus dressed in full pimp gear. He walks into the computer room and sits down on a giant throne made of broken PC’s and monitors. There are numerous slave girls lying around in bikini’s and Linux penguin tattoos close to the throne. Phro sits down on the throne, and the slave girls all move closer to him. Without looking, Phro reaches over and grabs the phone.

Phro: Your hard drive is busted, fucka.

Phro slams the phone down.

Jorel: Wow Phro! You didn’t even let it ring that time!

Phro: I can sense the fucking gwaks a mile away now…

Phro raises his eyebrow, and grabs the phone again just as it begins to ring.

Phro: You have your DNS gateway improperly setup. Gwak.

Phro slams down the phone. Jorel walks in with a bowl of yogurt.

Jorel: Here ya go Phro, just the way you like it!

Phro: I only like lo phat yogurt, bitch.

Phro tosses the bowl aside. He then looks towards a wall of computer monitors that are buzzing. They all instantly turn on and work perfectly.

Phro: Hehe, shiggidy.

A tall blonde with massive breasts dressed in black leather walks in and steps up to the counter.

Blonde: I’m encoding something in DivX… I need an Athlon chip with a Palomino core.

Phro’s eyebrow raises. He steps down off the throne and towards the counter.

Phro: And why would you need that, tighty whitey?

Blonde: I need an Athlon chip with the SSE instructions, to take full advantage of the software I’m using…

Phro: Why not simply use an Intel chip?

The blonde leans in closer to Phro.

Blonde: Cause I like my chips running… hot.

Phro smiles.

Phro: And what OS are you gonna run on this bad boy Athalon?

Blonde: I love… penguins.

Phro inhales sharply. Phro leans in closer.

Phro: You talk the talk, but can you… use the hardware?

The blonde lies down across the counter, and runs her hands across her body.

Blonde: I like… big… NIC’s… no wireless for me thanks, I like to feel it plugged IN…

Phro: Oh Yeah, dirty.

Phro is starting to sweat. He is also breathing heavy, and trying to unbutton his shirt.

Blonde: Do you like… firewire?

Phro: Oh yeah baby, firewire is good…

Blonde: Firewire feels so GOOD…

The blonde undoes part of her shirt to reveal massive cleavage. Phro is wiping the sweat off his forehead.

Phro: Do it baby.

The blonde rips off her shirt to reveal Tux, the Linux penguin across her chest. Phro blasts a huge wad of cum all over her.

Phro: Wiggidy.

Jorel slips on the yogurt in the background and dies.

Scene 5

Malachi and Proteus are sitting in Malachi’s basement. Proteus is wearing lipstick, has long hair and has a pair of breasts.

Malachi: So your sex change operation went over well eh?

Proteus: Yeah… not sure how my ass ended up black though…

Malachi: Well… I sorta fucked around with your surgery instructions. But hey, at least your ass goes along with all those forum gags!

Proteus looks angry for a second, then looks back down at his breasts.

Proteus: Wow. I can’t wait to fuck myself.

Malachi: So yeah… What do you want to do tonight Prot? Watch a flick?

Proteus: What movies you got?

Malachi: Blow Hard, or When a Man Loves Another Man Dressed As A Woman…

Proteus: How about we go out…

Malachi and Proteus go to a local club. They walk in and everyone is staring at Proteus’s breasts.

Proteus: I feel like a hundred pairs of eyes are groping me…

Malachi: God you’re so slutty. I’m bored, what the hell is there to do here anyways?

A tall thin man with dark glasses standing behind Malachi turns around and faces Malachi and Proteus.

Tall Man: Maybe I could interest you boys…

The man’s voice trails off when he sees Proteus’s breasts.

Tall Man: …in a new club.

Malachi: Sure, where is it?

Tall Man: Follow me.

The tall man opens a door. As Malachi and Proteus enter the door, Malachi farts loudly. The door closes behind them, but all the people in the club start to look around and make disgusted faces as they inhale Malachi’s fart. They start melting, and screaming, like in “The Rock”. Malachi and Proteus walk down into a dark wine cellar room. There is a group of men standing in a circle. Standing in the middle of them is Brad Pitt, shirtless.

Brad Pitt: Welcome to the new guys. Now, let’s discuss the rules.

Malachi: Rules?

Brad Pitt: The rules… of Circle Jerk club. The first rule of circle jerk club is you do not talk about circle jerk club. The second rule is you DO NOT TALK about circle jerk club. The third rule is YOU DO NOT BRAG about being in circle jerk club. Fourth rule, someone taps out, goes limp, no one laughs. Fifth rule, no shirts, no shoes, no gloves. Sixth rule, One hand to a cock, sorry fellas. Seventh rule, jerking goes on as long as it has to. And the eighth and final rule… if this is your first night, you have to jerk.

All of the men standing in the circle start jerking off. Brad Pitt stands back and starts to jerk off as well. Malachi and Proteus join the circle and start jerking off too. One of the guys beside Proteus reaches over and touches one of Proteus’ breasts. Proteus looks worried but continues rubbing himself. At the last moment, Malachi and Proteus are shoved into the center and covered head to toe in cum.

Malachi: Just like Mel’s diner!

Scene 6

Rudebwoy is sitting on his couch at home, dressed in a suit. He is watching TV, and has two glasses of wine in front of him.

Rudebwoy: You look good tonight.

Rudebwoy: Oh… thank-you. I thought you might like this.

Rudebwoy picks up both glasses and clangs them together.

Rudebwoy: To us.

Rudebwoy: To us.

Rudebwoy drinks one glass, then the other.

Rudebwoy: You know, you look really good tonight….

Rudebwoy reaches down with his left hand and starts rubbing his inner thigh.

Rudebwoy: Uhh, thanks again.

Rudebwoy then reaches down with his right hand and pulls his left hand off of his inner thigh.

Rudebwoy: Oh come on… you know you like it… have some more wine…

Rudebwoy reaches down with his right hand and drinks the rest of the wine. His face starts to look worried. His left hand reaches down again and starts stroking his inner thigh again, this time closer to his crotch. His right hand grabs his left and tries to lift it off.

Rudebwoy: You know you want it baby…

Rudebwoy: No, I’m not in the mood…

Rudebwoy’s left hand starts wandering around his chest, rubbing it slowly. It touches his and moves downwards towards his crotch again. His right hand stops it just as it reaches his zipper.

Rudebwoy: Come on, you can’t tease me like that, dressing like that, showing me your ass all night…

Rudebwoy’s left hand unzips his zipper, while his right hand keeps trying to do it up.

Rudebwoy: You want it! You want it bad!

Rudebwoy’s left hand reaches inside his pants and starts rubbing up and down. His right hand is frantically trying to pull his left hand out.

Rudebwoy: Stop! You’re just drunk!

Rudebwoy’s left hand starts really moving around, almost tearing his pants. His face looks like he is about to come.

Rudebwoy’s mom: What’s going on down there?

Rudebwoy yanks his hand out of his pants and zips up. He puts a Sears catalogue over his pants.

Rudebwoy: Uhh, nothing.

Rudebwoy’s mom: You’re not date raping yourself again, are you?

Rudebwoy: No…

Rudebwoy’s left hand rests on the couch. His right hand starts tapping on his leg.

Rudebwoy: God, I can never get any, can I?

Scene 7

Metro, Con and Judge are sitting around in Metro’s basement.

Metro: I just got a call from Clark. WBC made a move against USDN, trying to take the servers and shit. We have GOT to fight back…

Con: I like Diablo 2.

Judge: What can we do?

Metro: We need to train… like before with the jerking off, only this time, we HAVE to succeed…

Metro stands up and puts his arms across his chest in the shape of an X.

Metro: Glass ass! TRANSFORM!

Metro is surrounded by all sorts of bright flashing colors, and his clothes change into a tight red uniform with butt chaps cut away showing his pimpled ass.

Judge: Mega ass! TRANSFORM!

Judge’s clothes change into a skin tight dark blue uniform, including a mask with goggles. His mouth grows much wider.

Con: Jack ass! TRANSFORM!

Con’s clothes change into a dirty white work shirt and ripped jean cut offs. He has a big mustard stain in the center of his T shirt.

Metro walks over to a lamp and envelopes it in his ass. Judge leaps across the room and snatches a banana up in his mouth and bites it in half. Con stands still.

Con: I think girls are dumb.

Metro: With my ability to swallow things with my ass, and Judges ability to bite through even a seven inch steel cock, we will defeat WBC and save USDN! And… I guess… Con will be there too…

The wall close to Metro explodes outwards. Metro leaps backwards close to Judge. Con stands beside them calmly. Out of the wall comes a giant demon with penis shaped tentacles.

Judge: Oh my god! It’s a long forgotten demon from the times of old which has been imprisoned for thousands of generations and now only one person in the whole world can stop it from reaching full power and bring the dimensions of hell over to Earth!

Metro: How the fuck do you know all that?

Judge: I’m Asian!

The demon moves forward and sends its tentacles at Metro, Judge and Con. Metro and Judge jump out of the way lightning fast, but Con just stands there. The tentacles wrap around him, and stick their penis shaped ends into his mouth and ass and start pumping.

Metro: Oh my god! We have to save him! Quick Judge, how do we stop that thing?

Judge: We need to make the tentacles cum, all of them at once!

Metro: Right! Let’s get to it then!

Metro and Judge slap each other’s asses, then jump at the demon. Judge bites down over all of the tentacles and throws them towards Metro. The two tentacles inside Con rip out, and Con is thrown clear against the wall. Metro turns around and his face scrunches up into a grimace. All of the tentacles are sucked into his.

Metro: Go Judge!

Judge fits his mouth around all of the tentacles and starts rubbing along them. Metro is suddenly thrown upwards.

Metro: There! It came! Finish it off!

Judge bites down on all the tentacles, slicing them off, cum spilling everywhere. The demon shrivels down into nothing.

Metro: Now… FOR WBC!!!

Judge: But first… can I get a mint?

Con: I like Diablo 2. Girls are icky.

Scene 8

Note: this entire scene is shot like a Michael Bay film such as “The Rock” with similar camera shots and orchestra music.

We can see Raz and Moco’s faces, they are painted with black lines under their eyes. They have headsets on. The sound of a helicopter can be heard with the sky moving by. The wind is strong, Moco and Razlus talk loudly over it:

Moco: Patrolling the gay pride parade sure will be fun…

Razlus: Oh yeah, just remember, if things get hairy, I’ve got your back man.

Moco: You always “have my back”…

Razlus and Moco kiss gently on the lips and then smile and rub noses with each other.

Over Radio: Raz, Moco, assistance is needed at the back of the parade! The last float, the Elton John Flamin’ Spectacular, needs your help. The situation looks really gayed…

Razlus: Duty calls, lover.

The camera pulls away to revel the helicopter, it is like those in “Blackhawk Down” except it is painted all pink. Razlus and Moco are shown to be wearing only Kevlar vests and extremely tight and revealing speedos – nothing else. In the pockets of their vests they do not have the typical flash bangs, HE’s and other Counter-Terrorists devices, instead we see many colored dildos, condoms and various sexual devices.

---At Elton’s Flamin’ Spectacular Float---

Elton John: You better get back honky cat, living in the city ain't where it's at…

Elton John is struggling to play the piano on his gian penis shaped float as he is trying to fight of gay men who are climbing up.

Elton John: damn it toys… err… boys, there is plenty of time for this later, I have a show to do.

The pink helicopter lands in a clearing in front of the float. Razlus and Moco jump off. The blades of the helicopter needlessly kill a few people who were watching from a balcony as it lifts off. Razlus and Moco pull out dildo devices and point them at the top of the float. A cord with a small hook at the end shoots out of the tips of the dildos. Razlus and Moco propel to the top of the float where they land on top of Elton’s piano.

Moco: Will you let me have your children Elton?

Elton: Err… maybe. Boys, the crowd is just too horney. I guess my presence has pushed them too far, they all want to make sweet anal love to me.

Moco and Razlus look around and observe the crowd is slowly rushing up the float, trying to get to Elton. Many in the crowd are rubbing themselves. They notice a huge orgy of black men fucking each other openly on the street.

Razlus: We’ll relieve some of the tension Elton, don’t worry. Moco, let’s suck and fuck this crowd back to the stone age…

Moco: You got it lover-boy.

Moco and Razlus join hands and frolic off to the crowd. They proceed to suck many cocks, often sucking several at a time. This continues for 20 minutes straight on film. Razlus looks back to the float and notices two gay men are approaching from behind Elton masturbating. Using his batman rip-off dildo device, he propels to Elton, diving between him and the gay men just as they blow their load. He takes the money shot for Elton in his face as he dives by (shown in slow motion). Elton turns around.

Elton: That was a close one, you took a bullet of cum for me.

Razlus climbs his way up to Elton and Razlus. He uses a dildo radio device to report back to USDN headquarters.

Razlus: Things are somewhat calm here, the crowd has spent itself all over our faces, although that black man orgy just keeps going and going and going. Razlus out… of the closet!

Moco: Delicious play on words there Raz, I love you.

Razlus and Moco kiss gently and rub noses together, again.

About 10 white vans pull in quickly, simingly from nowhere, behind Elton’s float. The playboy logo is painted on the side of it. Large breasted playmates come running out of the vans.

Playmate: Hugh has decided it is time to strike back and convert some men back to our “team”.

The playmates proceed to strip and try to please men from the crowd. They succeed in some cases. Elton, Razlus and Moco look down in horror.

Razlus: Those bitches! Damn hot, well-shaped, big-breasted, firm, smooth skinned and attractive women! Why won’t they stop bothering us with their heterosexual sex!!

Moco points over to the group of black men who were fucking.

Moco: Oh no!! We’ve got a Black-Cock Down. I repeat, BLACK-COCK DOWN!!

Razlus jumps off the two-story high penis float and begins rubbing the black man’s cock, as well as sticking dildos in various asses, trying to combat the effect of the playmates. He looks up to see Moco surrounded by playmates. They shove him down to the ground.

Moco: Noooo, my dick is not for female use!! NOOOO!!!

The playmates are forcing Moco to have sex with them. Razlus reaches out and screams.

Razlus: NOOOOO!!! MOCO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

------

Razlus wakes up suddenly from his dream, he is in a cold sweat. Moco, who is driving his car, looks over at Raz. Worried, he pulls the car over.

Moco: What’s wrong, sugar bunny?

Razlus: I… I had the worst nightmare, me and you were protecting… penis… when… playmates… you… they… they forced you to have sex with them, those dirty women!!

Razlus begins to cry.

Moco: It’s okay sweet thang, it was just a joke, I will never turn hetro on you, you are my Razamon. Come here.

Moco wipes away Razlus’ tears and they hug, and then proceed to French kiss before Moco resumes driving on the highway.

Moco: Now let’s get to Tick’s BBQ, shall we?

Scene 9

Akira and Clark arrive at Tick’s house for the BBQ. They walk up to the front door and knock.

Clark: I bet today is going to be really fun.

Akira: Uhh, yeah… I just hope this isn’t like the last time I visited Tick…

Clark: Oh, it couldn’t have been that bad…

The door opens and Jenna Jameson is standing in full dominatrix gear.

Jenna Jameson: Spanker or Spankee?

Akira: Umm, we are here to see… Tick?

Jenna giggles.

Jenna Jameson: Hmm, I bet you’re a naughty one. Right this way.

Clark and Akira walk in and see members of USDN everywhere, some passed out drunk, others having sex with prostitutes of various ethnicities and genders. Wader is standing in front of Crazy Canuck, unzipping his pants.

Crazy Canuck: Good luck Wader’s cock, have fun…

Crazy deep throats Wader in one motion, and starts rubbing his balls.

Wader: This pleases me.

Wader blasts his load all over Crazy, and proceeds to rub his cock on his face.

Crazy: GG Wader’s cock, GG.

Akira and Clark continue walking deeper into Tick’s house. Tick is sitting on his couch pantless, with Chasey Lain sucking him off.

Tick: C man! Kira! How you guys doing?

Clark: Hehe, pretty good, about as good as you are doing I see.

Clark smiles. Akira is looking around confused at what is going on.

Tick: I finished my book! Around the world in 80 lays… it’s great! They just gotta finish airbrushing some of the tit shots and it will be in every AOV in the country next week!

Clark: Awesome.

Akira: Uhh, yeah. Great.

Clark: Tick, I know this is your day and all but is it okay if I make a special announcement?

Tick: Go right ahead C Man, the megaphone is over there by the three lesbians covered in caviar…

Clark: Talk about fresh fish eh?

Clark and Tick laugh heartily. Akira just raises his eyebrow. Clark walks over to a megaphone surrounded by women having sex with each other. He steps over them and taps the megaphone.

Clark: In response to the recent attacks by WBC, I have created… a grand army of whores. This army will protect our servers and our way of life. The number of Asian whores I have created is massive. It will withstand any assault. In fact, you can see the army from Tick’s backyard…

Akira looks out the back window to see thousands of Asian whores lined up in formation.

Clark: I have also garnered the help of several generals, to assist us should this conflict escalate any further…

The front door to Tick’s house opens and in walks William Shatner, Samuel L Jackson dressed in Jedi robes and Martha Stewart.

William Shatner: This……………is some party.

Martha Stewart: I think the gay couple outside on the lawn was a perfect match, a strong Hispanic and a smaller but effeminate Black man was a nice center piece to the lawn.

Samuel Jackson: Some mother fuckin party you got going on here Tick, maybe later I will get one of these bitches down on my lightsaber, you know what I’m sayin cracker…

Clark: In this time of war, these proud few will lead us into battle against the forces of WBC.

There is a commotion outside. Clark and his generals wander outside. Beyond Tick’s fence is the army of whores, and well beyond that there is sounds of gunfire and moaning.

Massive Headwound Harry: Haha! Onwards my dildo droids, onwards! Smash the USDN whores!

Clark: WBC is using an army of Dildo droids to attack us. We must rally the whores!

Samuel L Jackson: Those motherfuckin’ droids are mine! I am the baddest ass of the bad asses! Out of my way bitch!

Samuel Jackson pushes Martha Stewart out of the way and charges into battle, slashing his lightsaber around. Akira pulls his lightsaber out, looks at Clark, shrugs, and charges off behind Samuel L Jackson.

William Shatner: Those droids…their heads….shaped like…cock……COOOOOCCCKKK!!!

Clark: Hmm, we are going to need reinforcements I think… Tick, mind if I use your phone?

Chasey Lain is riding Tick’s cock while Jenna Jameson licks his balls.

Tick: Go nuts… hehe, nuts, eh Jenna?

Clark picks up the phone and dials four digits.

Clark: I need a drop immediately. Full spread. Double D if possible, I will take what I can get on such short notice…

Akira and Samuel Jackson are charging between Dildo Droids, slicing them apart with their lightsabers. The droids heads are very phalically shaped.

Samuel Jackson: Feel the force cocksucker!

Akira: Looks like the Dildo droids are trying a full frontal assault!

Samuel Jackson: Yeah, well, so are the whores….

A wave of Asian whores appear behind Akira and Samuel Jackson. They all rip their pants off in unison and begin masturbating. At the last moment, they all bend over and discharge towards the dildo droids. A platoon of dildo droids short circuits and falls to the ground, but the next wave is right behind them.

Clark: Hmm… perhaps we need more ground support…

Clark pulls out a small handheld button on a black device and hits the button.

Clark: Hmm, they should be here soon… then we hit them from the air and ground…

Back at the battle other USDN have joined the battle. Malachi is charging through the droids, his massive fro knocking them side to side. Proteus is rubbing his nipple rings, which builds up giant rings of creepiness energy that take out several droids at a time. Phro is wandering around in his pimp getup, smacking the odd droid.

Phro: Why you gotta make me hit you, bitch?

Wader is pouncing around from Droid to droid, like a giant cat. Wrath is jerking off onto entire squads of droids. Suddenly from the air above we see waves of Canadian bombers flying overhead. The bay doors open and begin dropping giant breasted blondes onto the droids.

Clark looks over to Martha Stewart.

Clark: The Royal Canadian Ass Force… blonde bombshells. Delicious.

The ground beneath a group of droids begins to rumble, then falls in on itself. Metrognomes begin to pour out.

Metrognome #54: The battle of the bulge was fought in Detroit!

Metrognomes begin to take apart the dildo droids.

Metrognome #67: The declaration of independence was signed by Laurie Metcalf and Connie Chung back in 1974 when America’s prime minister was Margaret Thatcher.

Massive Headwound Harry: You cannot defeat my army of dildo droids! I have no choice… use the Protein Cannons!

Squads of droids split apart and a large metal ball is rolled out. A long metal shaft extends out of it, and begins firing massive bursts of white liquid at groups of whores. In response some of the whores lift their shirts and begin lactating on the droids.

Harry: What a story to be told… almost as interesting as Clark. Clark, the man who was a lawn care specialist, who became a ballerina, who became a tony nominated Broadway writer, who became an orthodontist, …who became the leader of USDN.

Akira and Samuel Jackson are surrounded by droids. They are fighting back to back.

Samuel Jackson: You take care of that bald cracker over there… I’m gonna fuck these droids shit up!

Akira: Uhh, k

Akira flips over a wall of droids and charges Harry.

Harry: This time, we finish it young one. When you left, my lightsaber was spent. But now, he is ready to go again!

Akira: Umm…

Akira doesn’t finish his sentence, and just charges Harry with his lightsaber drawn.

Back at Tick’s house Clark is watching the battle on CNN.

Clark: Finish it Akira! Finish it now! For God’s sake, don’t make me use the Wettlaufer device!

Akira swipes and dodges, and finally beheads Harry. Vision and Fusion look at each other, and run off. The remnants of the droid army begin to disperse. Akira jumps down, and as he lands, the Protein cannon rolls over and crushes him.

Clark: Well… didn’t see that one coming.

Scene 10

The next day is Akira’s funeral. Clark, Wader, Wrath, Crazy, Tick, Malachi, Kynik, Prodigy, Prancing Fox, Fallen, Metronome, Judgemental and Con are all standing around Akira’s casket.

Clark: We are gathered here to remember Akira… he was a good man…

Wrath: Well, not really…

Wrath is jerking off.

Clark: Well, he was outstanding in the bedroom…

Kynik: Not really, in fact inadequate, unsatisfactory and lack of stamina are all things that come to mind…

Clark: Well, he contributed a lot to USDN…

Wader: Not… really…

Clark: Well then this can be said: he will be with us in spirit, except when we are in the shower or making love, because that would just be awkward.

Everyone: Amen.

Clark: He was a soldier of USDN, honor him.

All of the men pull out their cocks and beat off onto Akira’s casket.

Clark: Well… who’s up for LANing?

Everyone: Me!!!

Everyone walks off. The screen color fades to black and white. From the distance we see a small group of figures moving towards the casket. Zero1, Wintermute, Insano, Ianman and a small girl in a red dress walk up.

Zero1: We are here to remember Akira, the one who led us to the promised game of CS, the one who made us laugh, the one to whom I was… his captain.

Wintermute: That Clark, fucking cracks me up. Akira was fucking cool too.

Ianman: Akira roxored my boxorz. He was… l33t.

Insano: I’m here cause WM asked me to be.

The little girl walks up to the casket. Her dress is red, it is the only colored thing on screen. She drops a bouquet of flowers onto the casket.

Little girl: Guh bye Akira, you sum-mum-ma bitch…

The five of them walk off into the distance. The camera slowly pans down to Akira’s tombstone, which reads “He was killed by a giant phallic looking device. That is all”.

Scene 11

Clark returns to his office alone. He sits down at his desk and strips naked.

Clark: What a day. I feel like celebrating…

Clark flips a switch on his wall. Part of the wall pulls back, to reveal three naked clones of Clark.

Clark: Hmmm… delicious. The other day Fox told me to go fuck myself after I made another joke about how he says penis a lot… how ironic I suppose.

The naked clones move out of the wall unit and stand around Clark, all of their penises hard and erect. Clark stands up and stares into the eyes of the first one.

Clark: I want you to fuck me, as hard as you can.

The first clone moves forward and bends Clark over his desk, licks his fingers and slides them into Clarks ass. Clark smiles. The other two clones move beside Clark and start rubbing up against him. Clark reaches out and starts rubbing the hair of one of his clones.

Clark: My hair is so soft………

The clone fingering Clark pulls his fingers out and licks them clean, then proceeds to fuck Clark in the ass.

Clark: Come on, I know I can make it stiffer than that! Fuck me! FUCK ME!

The other two clones reach down and start massaging Clark’s shaft and balls.

Clark: This pleases me.

The two clones masturbate and cum into their palms, then let it drip off into Clark’s mouth. He laps it up with his tongue and swallows as much as he can. The clone fucking Clark pulls out and begins rubbing his cock around Clark’s ass.

Clark: No, no, no! no teasing, I want you two in and you beneath me! NOW!

The two clones that just came positioning themselves inside Clark and begin fucking him. The clone that was fucking him bends over and sucks on Clark’s cock.

Clark: Mmmmm, yeah, I feel so nice and big. Give me some good hard pushes there guys. I am definitely the hardest thing.

The two clones begin slamming into Clark. The one sucking him off begins deep throating Clark.

Clark: Ready, all at once now…

Both of the Clark clones cum in Clark’s ass, while Clark cums in the third one’s mouth.

Clark: I guess chivalry is dead.

THEN END