The Making of “Between A Clark and a Hard Thing”

Directors Interview

Question: Who originally came up with the title for “Between a Clark and a Hard Thing?”

Akira: Well, it was a joint effort all the way between me Clark and I in terms of production. In a more accurate sense, me.

Question: Was there any limitations on the movie? Would you have done some things?

Akira: Well, basically we were working on a pretty limited budget from day one. Hence all the scenes were recorded on a hand held camcorder, and then roughly edited together using two VCRs in Clark’s basement. Originally the ending was going to feature a massive string of anal beads leading from each cast member, and then in turn have it sucked out of their ass by Pete and into his mouth with the “oh Henry bar” commercial music playing the entire time (‘boomp boomp, oh yeah……”). However, our special effects crew told us we had already spent our allotment on the “giant girth” scene, and therefore we simply went with cum soaked whipped cream. I was also disappointed with the dog scene - I felt we could have taken it further.

Question: Was there any overall story you were trying to tell with this movie?

Akira: No.

Question: Were there any scenes filmed differently or deleted from the final cut?

Akira: Well…

Clark: Yes there was, quite a few actually. But we had time considerations and some cast members were unable to work as long as we needed them (*Akira snickers*)

Akira: Okay, yes there were. For instance, originally the scene with Clark and Wade in the beginning was going to feature loads of cats. I mean like a whole pound worth of them. Remember the rose petal scene from American beauty, where Mena Suvari is just lying there in rose petals all naked? Imagine Wade and Clark like that with cats. Anyways we deemed that too disturbing, then three days later had me fucked silly by four giant dalmations. Go figure.

Question: What about the British fags with XO?

Akira: They were a last minute addition by Clark, who felt the British are gay anyways and belonged in the script

Clark: Some of the principal cast members also added their own “flavor” to the mix. For example, originally Tick just drank his coffee and fucked that one chick. In the second take, he smacked her ass and was all like “goddamn this is some hot shit” and we went with it. He was quite good at improvisation.

Akira: Yeah, and he can make his cock bend in funny positions too, he’s really talented.

Clark: We had problems from day one with Scave though. I mean he simply could not perform. He is more limp than a Nevada boxing commissioner. He was going to be quite involved in the final orgy scene, instead he just sat there by himself. And of course we had Akira take off, to save us any filming between himself and Scave.

Akira: As well, we had problems during the orgy scenes at Tick’s house. Some of the male actors simply couldn’t maintain an erection for as long as needed without cumming or simply dropping down, but Tick went on and on like a fucking machine, no pun there, he literally is just one giant fucking machine. If I didn’t know any better I swear he was really a cyborg or something.

Clark: Yeah, can’t be easy keeping a giant cock like that up for so long, but somehow he managed no matter what we lubed it up in, whip cream, oil, soy sauce…

Akira: The Japanese scene was cut early from the film due to time or budget constraints, I can’t remember. Actually I think it was because there was a lack of Asian whores available at the time. That and the “heterosexuality” content of it would make it difficult for the ratings board to classify us a gay porno or straight, gangbang or so on and so on, they are a bunch of fuck heads in my opinion.

Question: Are there any porn stars you wanted to work in but couldn’t?

Clark: Yeah, definitely. Kynik, ironically Akira’s girlfriend, was a big on that we wanted. But she simply charges too much for these movies, we couldn’t afford her.

Akira: The slut.

Clark: I prefer the phrase “evil bitch”.

Akira: Ha Ha, it’s true, good one old friend. (*Akira and Clark join in a short British laugh*)

Clark: Yeah, umm, who else, there were a few. Oh yeah, there was Prodigy, but he got an infection on his new nipple rings. Fuck those freak me out.

Question: What company did you use for the great computer 3-D Graphics?

Clark: Huh?

Question: You know, the CGI work. How did that work out?

Clark: We used CGI?

Question: Yeah, obviously, like for the Xocet scene, namely the girth. How did they make the girth seem so big and real at the same time?

Akira: Oh, that was not CGI. The girth is real.

Question: Oh God, Plans for a sequel?

Akira: Well, I dunno about Clark but I’m taking a break for a little while, doing some solo projects.

Clark: I will be filming “Crouching Intern Hidden Pleasure” next week, so I know we won’t be making it anytime soon, but I think it has great potential as a trilogy. In fact, I dare it will be as epic as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, probably more so. And of course, the first one made a shit load of cash, after all.

Akira: Yes, fuck artistic integrity man, we made a huge wad of cash off of this film, and the fact it cost like 18 $ to make was the even better part. I mean really, why do you think we are releasing a special addition DVD with all this bonus interview crap? It’s just to make more fucking money man.

Deleted/Alternate Scenes

Scene 3 (alternate scene)

Tick looks down at the chick’s ass that he is fucking and smacks it.

Akira: so, umm, tick, where’s the wife?

Tick: Oh, she went to get some lube from the store. She be back soon dude. You sticking around for breakfast?

Akira looks over to see a tall black man standing in front of the stove, ejaculating into a big frying pan and smiling.

Akira: umm, no, I, uhhh, gotta get going. Stuff to do today. Errr, see ya later tick.

The Japanese Whore Scene (Deleted Scene)

*this scene takes place after Akira and Clark visit the KF server, or in other words scene 6*

Akira and Clark leave the KF server behind to be cleaned, and proceed to go to Clark’s house. In Clark’s basement there is a long string of Asian whores sitting and standing in what appears to be a lineup into Clark’s computer room. The whores are so tightly packed in Akira keeps bumping into large Asian breasts and tight mini skirts. One whore is reading a magazine on Clark’s couch and is openly masturbating while turning the page occasionally.

Akira: Umm, Clark…..

Clark: Don’t worry, these are just some auditions. Won’t take me more than a second.

Akira: Clark? Auditions for wha –

Clark walks into his computer room and the first Asian whore comes in. Clark sits down and unzips his pants and pulls out his cock. It is already stiff as a board.

Clark: Go whore.

The whore begins sucking Clark off vicisouly. Clark sits there for a moment with a disapproving look on his face.

Clark: This displeases me. Go. NEXT!

The whore gets up crying and runs out. Two Asian twins walk in and begin rubbing their chests against Clark’s cock.

Clark: Too dry, I need something to lubricate it with.

Whore #1: We can suck good, we swear, we suck best!

Whore #2: Yes, yes we suck big cock! Very long, big cock!

Clark: Too late. NEXT!

The whores get up crying and leave. Akira has a puzzled look on his face, but seems unable to move. A big whore with massive E cup tits walks in and gets on top of Clark and starts riding him. Clark seems pleased for a minute, then, his face goes back to being displeased.

Clark: No, no, no! You do it all wrong, you must go up and down not grind forwards and backwards! You are supposed to get me off! No, no, no! NEXT!

The fat whore gets up and leaves without putting her clothes back on. Akira is now looking more puzzled than ever.

Akira: Clark, why are you –

A small asian whore walks in at that moment and starts getting fucked in the ass by Clark.

Clark: Yes! God, yes, almost as tight as Wader! This pleases me. Come on you whore!

Whore: Yes, me whore, do good job! Fuck long time soldier boy!

Clark: You won’t be paid to talk, just fuck Asian whore!

Akira: Clark, why do some of them have Japanese accents and some have Chinese acce –

Clark: Oh come now Akira, you know they all come off the same boat.

Akira: That’s so wrong…

Clark pulls out of the whore and gives her a massive facial. He then slaps her across the face with his massive Portuguese cock.

Clark: Get three of your sisters and bring them tomorrow, that will be all. Everyone go home!

Some of the whores start crying, others finish masturbating and leave. Akira is left alone with Clark pant-less.

Akira: Clark, what the fuck just happ –

Clark: Help me wipe some of this Asian whore cum off the couch will you? Stupid Asian whores…

Scene 7 (Alternate Scene)

Xocet walks into the main physics lab in Halifax. He walks up to a professor.

Xocet: So I’m ready to begin working on my PHD.

Professor: Well, first – what the fuck? Is that your cock man?

Xocet looks down and sees his pants bulging.

Xocet: Yeah man, what, you never seen that much girth before?

Professor: Fuck no! I bet an elephants ass couldn’t fit that thing into it! Jesus!

Xocet: Look, I just wanna start my education. I really don’t think that…

Professor: Start your education? I’m surprised you fit through the doors with that massive wang! You’ve got more chub in your pants than Elton John has cum in his stomach!

Xocet: Look, I mean really, that has nothing to do with Physics…

Professor: Okay, here is some science for ya – how much fucking lube does it take to get that into your apartment? Christ the friction on that when you fuck must be hot enough to melt fucking glass!

Xocet: Look, man, I just wanna get down to some fucking science allright? Stop talking about my immense lady-pleaser and start fucking teaching me something.

Professor: Okay, okay, I will teach you something. You see this circle? This is a pussy. You have probably never seen one since your MASSIVE FUCKING COCK HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN THE WAY! Shit man, I bet we could see that thing with satellites! Russia probably figures Canada is developing some kind of super cock for a new cold war or something!

Xocet whips his girth out and cum blasts the teacher into the wall, burying him in a frozen stance of terror made out of cum.

Special Preview

Between A Clark and a HARDER thing

Prancing Fox walks into Halifax lab, with Xocet working away on a science experiment. Prancing fox narrows his eyes and stares at Xocet.

Xocet: Huh? Oh, Hi Foxy. What’s up?

Fox: Apparently your girth. That’s all my poor penis ever hears about now. Your gigantic, ungodly sized fucking machine of a penis.

Xocet: Huh? What?

Fox: You heard me. It used to be all about my penis. I was known for the word penis. Or have you forgotten the impressions already?

Xocet: What is your point Fox? I mean, I got a wang that could pound Godzilla and all of Tokyo’s armed forces into submission. What do you expect me to do, say yours is more powerful beccause it makes jokes? Fuck that.

Fox: We shall see.

Fox’s hair goes gold, and he starts powering up Dragon Ball Z style. Xocet in turn makes his hair go more gold, and his pants fly off revealing his massive girth. Fox’s pants fly off revealing his tight blue underwear.

Fox: I’m gonna make you swallow, bitch.

to be continued…